You’ve heard it.
- In basketball: “Yeah you scored more, but I’m working on assists.”
- In life: “I didn’t really try.”
- In wrestling: “He only won because of the refs.”, “My kid wasn’t feeling good.”, “We’re not focused on winning right now.”
And look, sometimes there’s truth in parts of that.
But most of the time?
It’s a psychological escape hatch people use when they feel their status is threatened.
Here’s the real reason people change the score
When someone is clearly beating them, they feel two painful things at once:
- Exposure: “They’re seeing I’m not as good as I thought.”
- Status loss: “If I lose in front of people, I lose identity.”
So the brain does what the brain does best: protect the ego.
Instead of admitting: “You’re better right now,”
they quietly rewrite the rules so they can still feel “winning.”
That’s not confidence.
That’s fear wearing a costume.
The “score-changing” habit is really a coping strategy
People change the score because it reduces emotional pain immediately:
- Face-saving: “I’m not losing, you’re just measuring it wrong.”
- Self-handicapping: “If I say I’m not trying, then losing doesn’t count.”
- Moving the goalpost: “Winning only matters when I’m the one winning.”
- Identity protection: “If I’m ‘a winner’, I can’t be seen losing.”
And parents, without meaning to, teach kids the same habit.
Wrestling version (this is where it gets real)
A kid loses a match. The car ride home starts.
If the parent’s vibe is:
- “That kid was dirty.”
- “The ref was trash.”
- “You got screwed.”
- “You weren’t ready.”
The kid learns a dangerous lesson:
“When I lose, I don’t need to grow. I just need an excuse.”
That’s how you build a wrestler who looks confident online, but collapses the second adversity hits.
Why it “touches a nerve” for wrestling parents
Because deep down, every parent knows this:
If your kid can’t handle the real scoreboard, life will humble them harder than wrestling ever will.
Wrestling is one of the only sports where you can’t hide:
- no bench to blame
- no teammate to cover you
- no “we lost”
- it’s you
Which is exactly why it’s such a gift, if the parent doesn’t ruin it with ego-protection.
And I’ve seen this for years, parents want the best for their kid, but they accidentally train the wrong mental habits.
In the Wrestling Parent Masterclass, I literally break down how to build real mental toughness without damaging your relationship, because you don’t have to choose between a successful wrestler and a strong relationship. You can have both.
The deeper truth: there are TWO scoreboards
This is the part most families don’t understand.
1) The external scoreboard
- points
- wins
- medals
- rankings
2) The internal scoreboard
- habits
- systems
- focus
- effort
- response to adversity
Here’s the trap:
Some people use the “internal scoreboard” as a weaponized excuse to avoid the external one.
They say, “We’re focused on growth,”
but what they really mean is, “I can’t handle losing.”
That’s fake growth.
Real growth sounds like this:
- “We lost. Here’s what we learned. Here’s what we fix. Back to work.”
That’s the difference.
In my world, we don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. And parents set those systems whether they realize it or not.
How to stop this in your house (and make your kid dangerous)
If you want a kid who doesn’t need to rewrite the score, do this:
Rule #1: After competition, don’t discuss “why you lost” first
Discuss what you control first:
- “What did you do well?”
- “Where did you break?”
- “What position did you get stuck in?
- “What’s the one thing we fix this week?”
Rule #2: Teach “the why” (not “because I said so”)
Kids don’t change. Ownership changes.
Ask them why they want the goal, and don’t stop at the first answer.
I teach parents to ask “why” multiple times until you hit the emotional reason. That’s where motivation becomes real and durable.
Rule #3: One operating system
If your kid has 5 coaches, 3 clubs, 12 camps, and zero clarity, don’t be shocked when they mentally crumble.
Confusion creates insecurity.
Security creates confidence.
Commit to a proven system and stop bouncing around chasing the next shiny thing.
Rule #4: Don’t be the parent clinging to the vine
If you don’t trust the process, you become the obstacle.
You can’t “save” your kid into greatness.
At some point, you have to let go of the vine and lead with structure, trust, and consistency.
People change the score when they’re losing because they’re not protecting their future.
They’re protecting their ego today.
And wrestling parents, whether they mean to or not, either:
- train their kid to own reality,
or
- train their kid to rewrite reality.
One creates a champion.
The other creates a kid who needs excuses forever.
(because this is exactly what we fix)
If you’re a wrestling parent and you’ve felt the tension, the confusion, the “what do I say after a loss,” the fear of pushing too hard or not enough.
That’s literally why I built the Wrestling Parent Masterclass:
to help you maximize your child’s potential while preserving and strengthening the relationship.
Go here now: https://www.wrestlingparent.com/opt-in
Don’t wait until the season is half over and you’re trying to repair damage that didn’t need to happen.
Be The Best… always! (on and off the mat)
Georgi I. Ivanov
Olympian | Mentor